I have had another
experience and I am so grateful for this 33 days consecration I am making. Thank you, thank you, and
thank you so much for this. I never dreamed what would happen in
these weeks of journey toward consecration to our Mother.
In the readings this
week I was so surprised to learn about the created and uncreated Immaculate
Conception. I had never heard this teaching as a former Protestant.
As I read about Mary being the wife of the Holy Spirit some of my
"unsolvable" issues with the Catholic Church came to mind. I
honestly had gotten to the point where I broke and cried, telling Fr Gordon I
just can't be 100% in agreement with the Church and that I felt I should
leave. He has always been a friend, very encouraging and said, "I
haven't told you to leave. I don't see any reason why you shouldn't
stay." He knows my abusive past. He knows that every time I
put my trust in any authority or authority figure I was betrayed, abused, and
discarded. I have trusted only to find out I was being laughed at behind
my back and those I thought were my friends considered me a pain and someone to
be tolerated. I was hurt by several churches in my life, making me
totally unable to believe I was deserving of love and even to the point of
believing I should not even bother to love myself.
I was at Weds Mass last
week at St Roberts and Fr announced it was the night he offers the Sacrament of
Anointing of the Sick. I have been receiving this sacrament periodically
throughout the time I have been Catholic for my mental illness, the horrible
wounds I have inside from the way I was unwanted and abused as a child, and my
soul sickness that keeps me from being all in with the church and God. I
never received the Sacrament for my mental illness before, unsure if I should.
Then one time I requested it due to massive and repeated panic attacks that had
me so desperate I was contemplating suicide. I was so overwhelmed and
confused I didn't know what to ask for in the way of healing. I told God
to heal me in whatever way he wished. After the prayers my anxiety
lessened but the healing was in a way I could have never imagined. People
were coming out of the woodwork apologizing for not being supportive and many
of the wounds were healed. I learned that when you ask for this sacrament
be open to whatever God wants to do because the healing may not be in the way
you asked but having all those relationships heal actually lessened a lot of my
panic and so I didn't hesitate to ask for anointing in the future.
Well, having been going
for Anointing of the Sick every time Fr Gordon offered it was beginning to
concern me. Should this become a thing I repeat over and over? A
habit? I then thought I would do something I did back when I experienced
big changes before but with a twist, if you will. I asked our Mother to
please intercede with her Son to heal me in the way she deems best for
me. I even said that if my having this mental illness and never being
able to go back into ministry was God's will then please heal my sadness
and grief so that I can bear this cross. I asked that she decide and
plead my cause because I need to be able to work and have friends and feel that
I can begin to love myself.
After the Sacrament,
things began to change. I read the passage about Mary being the "created"
Immaculate Conception and the Holy Spirit being the "Uncreated"
Immaculate Conception. Suddenly I thought that this must be the perfect
ideal of marriage. I had struggled with 2 or 3 things I just could not
accept in the Church teachings and the concept of Marriage being a Sacrament
suddenly made sense. Then the concept of male and female being necessary
for a Sacramental Marriage made sense to me. I have no issue with society
and their Civil Unions but I know they are not Sacramental Marriage and, for
the first time, I felt the barriers melt away and it's still happening.
It's gradual, sweet, and slowly progressing. If the walls would have been
blasted away, I would have ran, and she knew this. It's sweet and certain
as I can see beyond where they used to stand so firmly and impossibly strong.
I then realized our
Mother answered my prayer. She understood that my pacing in the back of
the church, my anxiety and panic, and feelings of self-hatred were coming from
my not being able to resolve the issues that I felt kept me walled off from the
Church and fed my sadness that I could not be a "real"
Catholic. It was a dark doubt and loneliness that wouldn't go
away. She knew that was the source of so much pain as I never felt I have
ever been part of a family, or that I was even wanted at all. I get so
much tunnel vision thinking that if my bipolar disorder and PTSD were gone,
everything would be fine but she knew, much better than me, what I, her
daughter, most needed to heal in my heart.
I never thought I could
resolve my differences but I am watching those barriers slowly and sweetly melt
in front of me like a heated honeycomb, sweet and soft, melting away like a
golden pool at my feet. I could say I am 100% resolved and united with the
Church but I want to ease into that thought slowly. I want to watch the
walls melt away and take my time crossing over them and not push myself and
beat on myself. As the once brick walls are transformed into a wall of
honeycomb I can gently dip my fingers into what is now sweet and relish in the
fact that bitter stubborn fearful, immovable walls of rocks can be made sweet and
melt away by the intercession of our amazing Mother. I have never thought there
was a way to get rid of these walls but that's because I couldn't. Jesus
could and she interceded for me. I know I want to dedicate my heart and
life to her Son through her as she has proven, 100% that she knows what this
wounded daughter needed most.
I have no idea where we
are going next but my Mother reassures me she sits with me in church and I sat
4 rows from the back and had very little anxiety. I know I can trust her
and she is helping me remove my barriers with love, gentleness, and sweetness.
She is bringing me home and to a family I have never had and I am stunned and
grateful. I am so ready to belong to her, my sweet, gentle, loving
Mother. I have to laugh. Most people begin to convert first and then
become Catholic. I guess I became Catholic and THEN converted. I
love my Mother so much.
In gratitude.
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