Trophies

The 33-day-retreat has changed me in ways I could never anticipate and this is only on day two.  This year I got my 10-year-plaque at the mental health agency where I work with the homeless who are also mentally ill.  It is the longest I have ever held a job.  Thanks to my medication and improving mental stability (somewhat anyway) I am thrilled I can stay at a job for that long after holding over 30 jobs in my life.

 

Yesterday I was complaining about how we should get more than a plaque for ten years of work.  After all, I got a plaque for five years why shouldn’t I get something bigger and better for ten years? 

 

I got up this morning and read our daily reading for the retreat.  It was on St Louis de Montfort and how he encouraged the local peasants to join him in building a huge monument to Jesus.  The night before it was dedicated his enemies convinced the government they should tear it down.  They said it was the start of a fortress against the government and so word came back that it was to be torn down.  All their work would be for nothing and there wasn’t anything that could be done to save this beautiful monument to Jesus and show all the hard work that they had done.  Upon hearing this St. Louis gathered everyone who had labored so hard and said that even though the monument would not stand as an eternal tribute to Calvary he encouraged everyone to build the monument in their own hearts.  

 

I was in the shower and suddenly I felt God asking, "If no one ever remembered you or anything you did would you still do it?"  St Louis didn't know he would ever be remembered after his time on earth was over.  Yet he was content to have all that would represent his work and passion for God stand only in his heart.  

 

I then realized that the plaque isn't a ten-year award as much as a reminder that I do what I do because it's the right thing to do not because of awards or accolades.  My monument will always be in my heart; painted with the faces of everyone I served; the forgotten, the discarded, the mentally ill, the unloved, the misunderstood, the unwanted, and the lost souls that don’t believe they deserve unconditional love. 

 

I then read on Facebook how someone was mad because she helped someone and really labored to make a difference and the person never thanked her.  I told her that we don't do things to be thanked or appreciated, we do them because they are the right thing to do.  

 

As tears came streaming down my face I knew at that moment that if my grave was unmarked, weeds grew on it, the wind blew over it, and no one remembered me, I would still give my life in service to God and the mentally ill and poor because it is the right thing to do.  My heart will be filled with the faces of those who I helped and the seeds I planted that I will never see grow.  Each of those faces will become a trophy gathered in my tired hands and placed lovingly, gently, on the shelves of my mind.  My monuments will be erected in the part of my heart that will never die, and while the wind may blow aimlessly over my grave, the love that I shared to those who had no love will live on forever.  It doesn’t really matter that I am identified as the one who did anything.  What matters is that all the accolades, crowns, plaques, trophies, and harvests that I won and worked for will someday be gathered up in my hands and laid at the nail scarred feet of the one that deserved them.  Knowing I will give it all to him means more than any recognition that humanity can give me.  Each treasure will be what I will give him with the talents he gave me, one so undeserving.  So my plaque is on my wall at work and will be my reminder of my continued commitment to serve and to let Jesus love the mentally ill and the homeless through me, the most unworthy vessel that He could ever use.  Each day I will pray, “Jesus love her through me”  “Jesus love him through me”.  It reminds I do what I do because it’s right to help restore the dignity of those who believe they are unwanted and hopeless.

 

I can also use this lesson about my struggles with attending church and my panic attacks that keep me from being touched and sitting in a pew.  So no one really likes me and so I don't have friends. So I can never again be a clergy and the life I discerned for myself is gone forever.  So what if I am not Miss Popular and people look confused when I walk around the back of the sanctuary.  I'll go because it's the right thing to do.  I only need to have those shelves and places in my heart where I can set up my trophies and awards where the one I love will honor them and smile.  It’s the place in my heart where I won't be misunderstood and where my life and intentions are known and celebrated by Jesus.  Because I really don’t want to be popular or have 5 positions in the church or be known all over the world.  I just want Him.  I only want Him and all that I ever do is His, because it was all never mine to begin with.  When it’s all said and done, I don’t need a husband, tons of friends, church jobs, or fancy awards.  I only need him.