I got off work early because I knew it was going to be a busy afternoon. I wanted to get ready for my consecration to Mary and we were moving our entire department at work. I had to pack so I couldn't wear dress clothes to work and I was eager to get home and get ready.
When I got home I packed up what I was taking. I had a rosary and sacred heart necklace I was taking because Fr G was going to bless things we put on a table set up for us. We were to leave those on the table, pick up a prayer card with our prayer of dedication on it, and sit in our reserved section for mass. Then after the mass was over, we were to pick up our blessed objects and a miraculous medal that was in a bowl filled with them, that would also be blessed during mass. It was so neat to have a chance to have some things blessed on the same night we were to make our consecration.
I decided on a blue dress, Mary's color, and had also asked Fr G if it would be OK to bring my statue of Our Lady of Lourdes. I had originally thought about bringing it early (5:30) so people could come early and spend time with her.
She is part of a shrine I have to her in my bedroom. She watches over me when I sleep. I gathered her up and the floral bouquet surrounding her and went to the church. After checking my email I realized that no one had been notified of this chance to spend time with the statue and I was sad. It seemed like such a waste to put her in a side chapel and not have anyone see her. I then got a prayer card so I could pray over the consecration I would make and realized I had forgotten my reading glasses. I cannot read at all without them. I then began to become very anxious. I was sad but still determined. If I had to have someone read that consecration one line at a time and me repeat it line-by-line I would do that. I refused to give up. I then thought of a local grocery store nearby and, knowing they had a pharmacy, figured they would have reading glasses. I headed off and after looking around, found a pair that would work perfectly. I also got some bottled water (I need it because I take a medication that dries out my mouth) and I went back to the church. I was so discouraged and wondered why I brought my statue. I began berating myself asking myself why I set myself up for disappointments and why didn't I just show up like everyone else. I kept thinking about my statue and I said a prayer asking our Mother to intercede and let all go the way she wished.
When I got back one of the leaders was there and suggested (without my asking) bringing the statue out and putting her front and center on the table. I felt so excited and went and got her. I set her in the middle of the table with the floral garland around her and she looked gorgeous. She was meant for that spot and really made the table look beautiful.
Then I tried to find a place to sit in our reserved section. I saw a man, close to my age, looking at the reserved sign. He asked me what it was for and I explained that the section of pews was reserved for all who completed the class on consecration to Mary. He seemed confused and I explained it again and he then went and sat in the row behind the reserved section. For some reason he seemed reluctant and I chalked it up to him not being able to sit in his favorite seat. I totally get that but didn't think much more about it. I had a spot I thought would be fine and I told myself that tonight is special and I really want to sit with my classmates and enjoy this celebration together.
I love the Feast of the Immaculate Conception and now that I am dedicating myself to her and joining the Confraternity of the Immaculate Conception of the BVM I really am excited about this day. Even though it had gotten off to an emotional start it was all working out great.
The man who was behind me came up to me to talk again. People were filling our section and my pew was suddenly packed and I was feeling the anxiety starting to rise. What does this man want and what is his problem anyway? He bent down and said very softly, "Do you think it would be OK if I sat in the very first row of this section. You see I have anxiety problems and I get anxious if too many people are in front of me. I need to be in the very front to not get anxious. Is that OK? I really tried to sit back there but it's bothering me." Suddenly I realized, I'm NOT the only one who feels this way. Even though mine was the reverse of his I still got his issue and told him that of course he could sit up there. I don't know what made him think I was in charge of seating but I reassured him no one would mind and he went up to the front and sat down.
I was another story. Once a woman, two boys, and husband packed in beside me I was done. Waves of disappointment washed over me as the panic was rising to levels I knew I couldn't handle. I wanted so much to sit with the others but I knew I couldn't. I got up and got my coat and phone, along with my prayer card and went out to the lobby. There was a chair so I plopped my coat on it and waited for mass to begin. Another mass I stand through and wander around. I thought of all our Mother had done for me in the past month and I felt terrible. Why can't I just sit and enjoy the mass? Why do I always do this? I am failing my Mother and I felt terrible, worse than I have ever felt about my panic disorder. Here I am consecrating myself to her and I can't even sit in a seat. I then and there decided I would walk up to where the rest of the group was and make my consecration in the aisle next to where they were all standing when the time came. I am not going to let this defeat me.
As the mass started I enjoyed it at first. That is rare because usually mass is an endurance contest with me battling hard to get through it. I rarely, if ever, enjoy mass. Sometimes I have to leave early but I always try to at least stay until the homily is over. Tonight I was determined, no matter what, I was staying. As the mass continued I began to get more and more frustrated with myself. Then a woman from our group came in. She was very sick with a cold and very late for mass. She talked to me and wanted to get her rosary up to the table and get her prayer card but it was on the altar and the homily was happening at that time. Our consecration was set to take place right after the homily. She was very sad that she couldn't get up there but I had my card. I told her my plan to walk up to where everyone else was located at the time and pray the consecration prayer.
She and I walked up when the time was right and I let her read the prayer, along with me, off the card. Had I not been the in the back, she wouldn't have been able to make her consecration along with everyone else because she wouldn't have had a prayer card. She was very sick and obviously wanted to come and do this with all of us. She thanked me and decided she would ask Fr G to bless her rosary after mass was over.
I realized that twice that evening I was there to help someone else. Twice, my illness gave me insight and put me in the right place to help another. Had I not had that insight I would not have been there and been able to be of assistance. Did that help me feel good? Well...not exactly.
As we got close to receiving the body and blood I began to beat up on myself. What good am I to our Mother? What can she do with someone as messed up as me? Then all of a sudden I felt her sweet presence. Then a whisper, a reminder of what she had said earlier that day,
"If you only knew how much you are loved. If you only knew."
Tears began coming like a river down my face and I felt this loving acceptance. In spite of my phobia of churches and crowds (and being touched) she made it very clear that I am loved. I am loved by her, God, and a lot of people who had helped me get to this point. They accepted me as I am and care about me. Not to mention the priest up at the front of the church. There are no words to say how much I appreciate his staying the course with me. He had so many reasons to bail and he didn't. At one point he was the only person who stood with me and helped me. I can't even say how much he means to me and how much I appreciate him. As I realized all that I had and the two times my disability was used by God to help someone else, I couldn't stop the flow of tears. They weren't tears of embarrassment or humiliation but tears of gratitude and joy. My heart overflowed and I realized that this is the mystery I will live in and grow into, "If you only knew how much you are loved". This is the journey of my soul, to grow in my understanding, every day, for the rest of my life of just how much I am loved by God (and our Mother).
I took communion and the rest of mass went by quickly. As I took communion I remembered, with his body and blood, that this is how much I am loved. He died for me. I also know how much my savior loves me because he gave me his mother to be my mother too. I am loved so much and I am only scratching the surface. What oceans of depths there are to learn about God and Mary's love for me?
After the mass our group gathered one last time and watched a video. I got to tell Fr G about the message and how it is for all of us. Our Mother loves us as if we are her only child. We are each a treasure to her. If we only knew how much we are loved, our lives would never be the same.
My life will never be the same after this 33 days. I plan on studying more about my Mother and keeping on with my prayers. I can't wait until my scapular arrives so I can be invested and dedicate myself to her and the message of her love. Hold out your hand, she will lead you directly to Jesus. If you only knew how much you are loved, you would run to her. And so I run. I run as fast as I can to my mother. I run as a little brown-haired girl with bare feet carrying a little bouquet of daisies. I run and I run and I run---to her. Because she loves me.
